Luke's First Shave

Full disclosure--Luke has needed this shave basically since he was born. The kid has always had a fair amount of upper lip hair for reasons beyond my understanding. But lately, it has definitely become more pronounced, and—more unsettling to me— has started migrating down around the sides of his lips. It started reminding me a little too much of unsavory young men from rural NH who I hung around with when I was young. So, finally tonight after Sunday dinner he shaved for the first time. Here is how the scene was set when my son had his first shave:

Gio was cleaning the kitchen after the big family dinner for eight we had just eaten. One of his brothers, Leo, was in the shower upstairs. Tina, Janine, his three other brothers and I all crowded into the very small downstairs bathroom to observe, provide commentary, and/or poke him while his hands were busy. Tina googled "How to shave your face" and read tips. I provided a variety of razors (he chose hot pink), a hot facecloth, and a small container of olive oil (in lieu of shave cream). Luke then did the honors, with much gesticulating and modeling of strange hair-removal-related facial expressions from two moms, while Tina video-taped. I had to run out and get my reading glasses so I could see the part he missed and then, as number one Type-A mom, I cleaned it up a little. Then Tina snapped some pictures to commemorate the event. A formerly fuzzy upper lip is now smooth and bare. Just one of the almost daily occurring signs that Luke is leaving sugar mountain for good.

Samurai or Countertenor?

Last night on the drive to a cookout, Luke (11) told me he still doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up. I told him that wasn't a problem, that most of my high school seniors who are applying to college don't know what they want to be. He was surprised by this and said he thought college was meant to be preparation for your job. I explained how people often just choose a broad path like humanities, and that if you major in something like math that you can go into a lot of different careers. Then he said to me, "Tell me more about Samurai." I explained to him that this was not a modern career path, much to his disappointment. After a little random discussion about the difference between ninjas and samurai, he told me that his music teacher taught them that the most rare adult male voice is a countertenor, and as a result countertenors make a good living. Then Luke said maybe he'll be lucky and end up with a countertenor voice when his voice changes. I explained to him that I was an alto, the lowest adult female voice, in my chorus days, and that he might not want to put too many hopes on the whole countertenor thing. "I'm pretty sure it's not genetic, mom," was his reply.

Luke's Scavenger Hunt Birthday Party of Doom

Luke's Birthday Scavenger Hunt of Doom!

Rules:

• No splitting up. Groups have to stay together and with their chaperone. No running off alone.

• Please be calm, quiet and respectful inside businesses and polite around other pedestrians! Chaperones will deduct two points for each incidence of inappropriate behavior.

• Chaperones are not allowed to assist or give hints! They can only assist with photography or videography. They should, however, keep track of points earned fair and square by their team to make determining the winner simpler when we all reconvene.

• All groups need to meet up again at the gazebo at 3:45. Don't be late!

Objects:

A ticket from the parking garage 1

A take-out menu 1

A napkin with a restaurant logo on it 1

A plastic spoon 1

One point for every red bicycle you see and point out to chaperone 1

A cardboard coffee sleeve 2

A business card 2

A paper clip 2

A library book checked out today on your library card (not chaperone's!) 3

Photo/Video:

Picture of your entire team jumping (everyone must be in mid-air) 1

Picture of one teammate holding hands with a statue 1

Picture of a citrus fruit, real or otherwise 1

Picture of your entire team inside an elevator 2

Video of your group doing a dance number in the square 2

Video of your group serenading a shop clerk 3

Picture/video of your group performing an act of kindness for a stranger 3

Trivia:

Which of Noah Webster's fingers broke off and was repaired with a different stone? 1

Who sculpted the Noah Webster statue? 1

What year was Noah Webster's Blue Back Speller published? 1

How many working squirters are there in the fountain? 1

What is JK Rowling's new book called? 1

What two letters did Mark Twain think should be dropped from the English language in year one of his "Plan for the Improvement of Spelling in the English Language? 2

What two things did Noah Webster & Mark Twain share a love of? 2

How did Mark Twain advise us to conquer fear? 2

In West Hartford, J stands for 2

What creature is perched inside a south window of Noah Webster Library? 2

How many small circles are in one big circle on the Pinkberry window decals? 2

What number should I call if I want to lease a storefront in Blue Back? 2

What kinds of creatures are in the window of the Green Teahouse? 2

How many pewter oak leaves are there on the benches surrounding the gazebo? 2

How many parking meters are on Memorial Rd. between Raymond and Isham 2

What is the average # of lines per crosswalk at the intersection of Isham and Memorial? 3

What song is the piano in front of Falcetti music playing? 3

What is today's New York Times headline? 3

Amanda, manager of Charming Charlie, has two cats. What are their names? 3

What are the purple flowers blooming on Memorial Dr. called? 3

What store in Blue Back has a door handle shaped like what they sell? 3

What's the last word on page 277 of The Son of Neptune by Rick Riordan? 3

What are the orange and black flowers blooming around Noah's feet called? 3

Teach Your Children Well

Today Luke rode his bike to Dylan's house so they could work on a fort they are building in a park around the corner from Dylan's house. The three little boys were all at Lego camp from nine to noon, and I had to go to boot camp and grocery shopping. Needless to say, Luke wasn't interested in joining me for these errands. We've been building up to this. We have been having conversations about how, now that he's almost 11 and will be starting middle school soon, that he's old enough to have a bit more independence. Earlier this summer I let him walk to the Walgreen's near the house alone for the first time. So today, with his house key in his back pocket and instructions to be home for lunch, I watched him ride off down the street. Thinking back on my own childhood, it's kind of crazy that I even batted an eyelash, but it really is a different world in that respect. I was late for boot camp, but nonetheless, I texted Dylan's mom to tell her that Luke was on his way and to please let me know if he never showed up. She texted me shortly thereafter to say he had just arrived. I ran my errands and picked up Matteo at noon, and when we pulled into the driveway about quarter after 12:00, there was Luke sitting on the front steps playing with a stick. I asked him if his key hadn't worked, but he said it did, but he was working on his stick. Then he told me that he had brought dessert home for us to share after lunch. I told him that was nice of Dylan's mom to send something with him, and he said that no, he had picked it out for us at a bakery down the street and Dylan had paid for it. It was a black and white cookie all wrapped up and in a bakery bag that he'd already stowed in the fridge. Over lunch he told me that the ride back was easier than the ride there because he didn't have to wait for cars to pass as much. He told me he was pleased with the product of their fort, but not with the process, because he felt that they did a lot of unnecessary stuff and also that they were short one pocket knife. So not only does my son ride independently around the neighborhood, whittle sticks in the park with knives, but he also procures dessert. Have I got a great son, or what?

Part of the buildup to this is that I've been reading this book, both for home and work, called Teach Your Children Well: Parenting for Authentic Success. The book has been getting a lot of press lately. The author, Madeline Levine, talks about how this generation of children is treated paradoxically as if they are already adults (in how we treat their every school assignment, the high stakes we put on every test, the threats of "Now you'll never get into college and you'll never get a job..." etc.) and also as if they are still toddlers (in that we don't let them go anywhere independently, we do everything for them from brush their teeth to cut their meat, they are more coddled than, as one article my dad recently showed me said, any children since the Chinese monarchy). It is an interesting paradox, and although I don't think I am at either end of the spectrum as a parent in this regard (either wholly innocent of this or a terrible offender), I do recognize myself in this picture. I decided that I need to work harder to treat the kids like 7, 8 and 11-year-olds. One of the things I suggested to Gio that we do is to stop when we find ourselves doing something for the kids and to wonder, "Is this something he could be doing for himself?" In addition to the other things they already do around here, though, I decided that it's time for all the boys to start: showering themselves, making their own breakfasts, and packing their own lunches and snacks for school. Luke is also going to start doing his own laundry, and have more independence around the neighborhood. Some days he will pick his brother up from school, walk him, and stay with him here without a babysitter until Gio gets home an hour or two later.

So far, I have to say that the kids haven't resisted any of this. They seem to really like it--and why wouldn’t they? From the time they start saying "I do it myself!" at age two, they want increasing independence and autonomy. I am still working just as hard in the morning because there is a lot of assistance and supervision required (especially for cooking), but the kids are gaining skills that are important and learning to take care of themselves. Leo learned how to make scrambled eggs with cheese this morning. I figure if he really had to he could get through graduate school with that dish alone. Matteo especially seems to really thrive when he is doing things for himself; he is always his best self when he is being challenged. There are going to be some hurdles. Last night Matteo couldn’t shampoo himself because the bottle of kids' shampoo that was half full a very short time ago was totally empty. The part of me that is a total control freak doesn't like that handfuls of shampoo may be being poured needlessly down the drain, that an adult didn't monitor every interaction that my oldest son had today, that the cheese puffs are stale because kids who pack their own snacks don't seal the bag well when they are done. My challenge will be trying to let go of the little things like that (instead of constant lecturing about how much shampoo to use, how to seal the cheese puffs, etc) and to remember to encourage their efforts, which truly are remarkable—thrilling even. It really does seem like just yesterday Luke was a toddler standing on the heater in the living room looking out the window at the world going by; now he is riding away from me down the street. In another heartbeat he will be heading off, truly on his own—to college, to Japan, or wherever else his dreams take him. I hope, as his parent, that I am helping him to be happy and successful wherever he ends up.

Tonight I was talking to Luke and Teo at bedtime about the family of African refugees who just arrived in West Hartford. I told them a little about my visits to the family, and that Friday afternoon after school they would come with me to meet everyone and play with the boys their age. Matteo said, "But we don't speak French!" to which I responded something like, "That doesn't matter," and then Luke jumps in and says, "Yeah, we all laugh the same." I swear on a stack of bibles that's exactly what he said. :)

My little man has recently lost three of his front teeth! Last night he lost the latest one while eating an ear of corn on the cob. Gio says that he kept eating the corn even after he had no front teeth to eat it with. I'm impressed. Can't believe my little guy is growing up so fast. He lost the first of this latest round of three two nights before Easter. We decided to save the tooth and put it under his pillow the night before Easter so that he could have a "busy night" like the one in one of his favorite picture books--one where the Easter bunny and the tooth fairy both came in the same night. I wasn't sure if he still believed in the tooth fairy, but I became convinced after a lot of deliberation about whether the tooth fairy would be able to find his tooth if he put it in small ceramic container on the nightstand next to his bed. He wanted to put it under his pillow, but I wouldn't let him sleep with something breakable under his pillow. The next morning, in addition to the dollar that the tooth fairy left, the Easter bunny left three jelly beans in the container where his tooth had been (in addition to his rocking basket downstairs). :)

Nibbles to the Rescue, or How a Hamster Helped Me Be More Than Just an Evil Stepmother

Okay, so it's about time this parenting blog of mine addressed the fact that I am now doing an entirely new form of parenting. Of course, taking into consideration the frequency (or lack thereof) that I've found time to add to this blog of late, this is still pretty fresh news. I am now a stepmother. It's something I never hoped to be, to be honest. Something I was glad never to have in my own life. Something I don't have great associations with. Does anybody? I've heard my share of stepmother horror stories from my peers growing up. My colleague in the Bronx, Eric, was a source of many. He used to talk about his stepmother's "dragon-lady fingernails." At least I don't have to worry about that. At any rate, when Gio and I became a couple, I became stepmother to two little boys I hadn't even met. I guess that's not so strange. Every child is sort of an unknown quantity, right? But step-parenting comes with a lot of its own issues, I have found. I am learning a ton about myself, about the role of stepmother itself, and about those two little boys through this crazy journey.

The thing I think has been the most frustrating for me as a step-parent is that I haven't gotten to be the kind of step-parent that I would have chosen to be. I would have written my character very differently. In a perfect world, I would be a stepmother kind of like the aunt I was. I would take the kids on fun outings, buy them the best birthday and Christmas presents, be someone they could talk to about anything, be an ally when they hate their parents but still really need an adult to help them find their way. Maybe if my co-parent had been a member of the military, like an old friend's second husband, I would have gotten to be that stepmom. (Although that came with a host of step-parenting problems, too, I realize). Unfortunately, that wasn't the stepmom that Leo & Vince needed me to be. They didn't need more fun outings or awesome presents. They needed to learn to treat their mother with respect. They needed to see someone do it and to have someone require them to do it as well. They needed to learn to live with a little bit of discomfort for short periods of time. They needed boundaries. They needed to learn how to live, for example, with the boundary of "no" without losing their minds. They needed to learn how to try a new food that they might not like. How to regulate their nervous systems and calm themselves down when they got overexcited. How to modulate their voices to different environments. They needed to learn that you don't just get everything you want; some things in life you have to work for and earn. They needed to learn how to do chores. How to be helpful. They needed someone with professional experience to pay attention and to notice that maybe there were some learning and attention issues here that needed to be addressed. In short, Leo & Vince needed me to be a different kind of step-parent than the one I wanted to be.

Now here's the thing: lots of people in Leo & Vince's lives didn't really think they needed all these things. Their dad thinks they are the bee's knees just the way they are. I think their grandparents, their teachers, and lots of other people in their lives probably do too. And that gets at the very heart of what it is to be a step-parent. When you are forced to live with children you did not bring into this world, and to see them living with your own children who you have put your heart and soul into raising, it does something to you. When you become a step-parent, you become the parent of other people's children. Suddenly what these children turn into as teenagers and adults is very important. I wasn't the nanny who could happily feed them junk food, plunk them in front of a computer screen, and let them have whatever they want. That nanny isn't going to know them when they're twenty-five. I plan to. But I realize also that my relationship to Leo and Vince has as much to do (maybe more!) with the role of step-parent itself as it does with the kind of kids Leo & Vince are or the kind of parents they have. I know this because my own kids now have two live-in stepmoms, (one in each house!) and it is clear to me that at least one of them feels they need a similar kind of step-parenting from her! In her world, my kids have a list of things to learn. She has even started numbering them. The other day when I was chewing out Luke for leaving the basement light on again, he told me "Rule #5 is 'Turn off the lights when you leave a room.'"

"What are rules one through four?" I asked him.

"Mostly about table manners, stuff like that," he replied nonchalantly.

Even my perfect children have an evil stepmother. And you know what? It doesn't make me mad or defensive or threatened. Bring it on, Janine! Damn, if you can get these children to actually start following rule number five, I'll try to make sure you get some kind of medal in step-parenting. Please know that it isn't that I haven't tried to teach them. We are teaching them the same lessons here. Kids are just a pain in the ass and very hard to bring up. Step-parents are volunteers in an otherwise all-draft army. The real parents have to put up with this crap. Step-parents are here under duress and the enemy is intractable in the best of circumstances. But I think step-parents can play an invaluable role in helping our kids be human beings that people besides their parents can stand to be around. I think the lessons that all four of our boys can learn from their step-parents will be invaluable.

But, in the present moment, these lessons aren't very fun. Leo & Vince didn't choose me any more than I chose them. They've figured out how this whole evil stepmother thing works and they're starting to formulate the stories they will tell about me someday, and I'm afraid they won't be very flattering. Recently Leo, who had gotten a bad behavior report from his after school program, asked Gio, "Do we have to tell Joslyn?" Now, lest you get the wrong impression, I do try to do a lot of sweet things for the boys, too. I am both the great aunt and the evil stepmother. If Gio were reading over my shoulder, she would probably reel off a list of special things I've done for them that have made them really happy. They talk about 3 Mile Island all the time. They can't wait to get back to camp. There are a lot of happy, special things in their lives because of me. But we take pictures of those things. We put them on Facebook. I feel that we are documenting those things adequately, while the bad moments (like the time I lost it at Leo for speaking rudely to his mother and in my tirade told him dramatically that Gio 'fed him from her breasts') get swept under the rug. And Leo said, "Do we have to tell Joslyn?" He said it.

So...I really needed a win. And it was his birthday. And the child loves hamsters. He can talk endlessly about how cute hamsters are. He found my old book about hamster care on my bookshelf and he and Matteo pored over it all summer. He checked out a book about hamsters from the school library. He event old us he thought he couldn’t have a hamster because who would take care of it when he was at his other house? He'd have to just content himself with going and looking at them in pet stores. So, even though Gio and I had a strict "No new babies, no new pets" policy (can you blame us? FOUR boys), we went out this weekend and picked out a hamster for Leo's eighth birthday yesterday. We bought all the supplies a hamster would need, half from me and the boys, and half from Nonna and Zaidah, who had sent some money to be spent on Leo for his birthday. I held almost every hamster in the store (except for one that bit me really hard!), and we picked out a baby girl who was shy but didn't nip, and who looked just like Gio's childhood hamster, Nibbles. Gio fell in love right away. But we were both unsure how Leo would react. It was clear to us that he understood what a great responsibility it would be to have a hamster.

Well, when he came in yesterday and saw the hamster, his reaction was very subdued. I think he was kind of in shock. It wasn't clear at first if he was even happy. I videotaped the whole thing, but it's not exactly going to become classic family footage. But once the camera was off, and it had sunk in, Leo told us more than once it was the best present ever. And he came over to Gio and I, who were standing next to each other, and pulled us both into an awkward hug, twice. They were the first premeditated hugs Leo ever gave me. Gio told me later it was the kind of hug you give your parents. The look on his little face was priceless. I told him that his mom and I knew he was going to take really good care of her, and that we would help and make sure she was taken care of while he's at his dad's. He named her "Nibbles" instantly, without even trying on any other names or seeming to think about it at all. He was so excited he had a hard time sleeping. At bedtime, when he usually reads aloud to Vince, he read the hamster book and took notes on hamster care, telling me when I checked in on them, "Because we want her to have a good life." He kept coming downstairs to say one more thing to me about her before he finally was able to fall asleep.

The boys all seem really happy and excited to have a hamster in the house. I am hoping that they won't get bored with her too quickly. Over the weekend while we were trying to find a hamster, I had emailed with a woman in New York State who runs a hamster rescue, and has many hamsters at any one time. She has a hamster playground for them to exercise in and she knows a ton about hamsters. She invited us for a visit even if we couldn’t adopt a hamster from her (it didn't work out this time), and I thought it would be really fun to bring the kids for a day trip to see what a hamster rescue looks like and ask her how to be better hamster owners to Nibbles. I'd also like us to work together on creating a fun playground for her, which I think will keep the boys interested and entertained, as well as be good for her. What I am most happy about is that Nibbles gives Leo and I common ground: something to connect over that is a true interest and passion for both of us. He may still say someday far in the future that his step mom could be evil, but hopefully then he'll think for a minute and add, "But then, she also gave me my hamster."