Teach Your Children Well

Today Luke rode his bike to Dylan's house so they could work on a fort they are building in a park around the corner from Dylan's house. The three little boys were all at Lego camp from nine to noon, and I had to go to boot camp and grocery shopping. Needless to say, Luke wasn't interested in joining me for these errands. We've been building up to this. We have been having conversations about how, now that he's almost 11 and will be starting middle school soon, that he's old enough to have a bit more independence. Earlier this summer I let him walk to the Walgreen's near the house alone for the first time. So today, with his house key in his back pocket and instructions to be home for lunch, I watched him ride off down the street. Thinking back on my own childhood, it's kind of crazy that I even batted an eyelash, but it really is a different world in that respect. I was late for boot camp, but nonetheless, I texted Dylan's mom to tell her that Luke was on his way and to please let me know if he never showed up. She texted me shortly thereafter to say he had just arrived. I ran my errands and picked up Matteo at noon, and when we pulled into the driveway about quarter after 12:00, there was Luke sitting on the front steps playing with a stick. I asked him if his key hadn't worked, but he said it did, but he was working on his stick. Then he told me that he had brought dessert home for us to share after lunch. I told him that was nice of Dylan's mom to send something with him, and he said that no, he had picked it out for us at a bakery down the street and Dylan had paid for it. It was a black and white cookie all wrapped up and in a bakery bag that he'd already stowed in the fridge. Over lunch he told me that the ride back was easier than the ride there because he didn't have to wait for cars to pass as much. He told me he was pleased with the product of their fort, but not with the process, because he felt that they did a lot of unnecessary stuff and also that they were short one pocket knife. So not only does my son ride independently around the neighborhood, whittle sticks in the park with knives, but he also procures dessert. Have I got a great son, or what?

Part of the buildup to this is that I've been reading this book, both for home and work, called Teach Your Children Well: Parenting for Authentic Success. The book has been getting a lot of press lately. The author, Madeline Levine, talks about how this generation of children is treated paradoxically as if they are already adults (in how we treat their every school assignment, the high stakes we put on every test, the threats of "Now you'll never get into college and you'll never get a job..." etc.) and also as if they are still toddlers (in that we don't let them go anywhere independently, we do everything for them from brush their teeth to cut their meat, they are more coddled than, as one article my dad recently showed me said, any children since the Chinese monarchy). It is an interesting paradox, and although I don't think I am at either end of the spectrum as a parent in this regard (either wholly innocent of this or a terrible offender), I do recognize myself in this picture. I decided that I need to work harder to treat the kids like 7, 8 and 11-year-olds. One of the things I suggested to Gio that we do is to stop when we find ourselves doing something for the kids and to wonder, "Is this something he could be doing for himself?" In addition to the other things they already do around here, though, I decided that it's time for all the boys to start: showering themselves, making their own breakfasts, and packing their own lunches and snacks for school. Luke is also going to start doing his own laundry, and have more independence around the neighborhood. Some days he will pick his brother up from school, walk him, and stay with him here without a babysitter until Gio gets home an hour or two later.

So far, I have to say that the kids haven't resisted any of this. They seem to really like it--and why wouldn’t they? From the time they start saying "I do it myself!" at age two, they want increasing independence and autonomy. I am still working just as hard in the morning because there is a lot of assistance and supervision required (especially for cooking), but the kids are gaining skills that are important and learning to take care of themselves. Leo learned how to make scrambled eggs with cheese this morning. I figure if he really had to he could get through graduate school with that dish alone. Matteo especially seems to really thrive when he is doing things for himself; he is always his best self when he is being challenged. There are going to be some hurdles. Last night Matteo couldn’t shampoo himself because the bottle of kids' shampoo that was half full a very short time ago was totally empty. The part of me that is a total control freak doesn't like that handfuls of shampoo may be being poured needlessly down the drain, that an adult didn't monitor every interaction that my oldest son had today, that the cheese puffs are stale because kids who pack their own snacks don't seal the bag well when they are done. My challenge will be trying to let go of the little things like that (instead of constant lecturing about how much shampoo to use, how to seal the cheese puffs, etc) and to remember to encourage their efforts, which truly are remarkable—thrilling even. It really does seem like just yesterday Luke was a toddler standing on the heater in the living room looking out the window at the world going by; now he is riding away from me down the street. In another heartbeat he will be heading off, truly on his own—to college, to Japan, or wherever else his dreams take him. I hope, as his parent, that I am helping him to be happy and successful wherever he ends up.